Proud Momma: Kensi’s Journal 03/01/20

3/1/20

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Hetty unable to hide her fear for one of us, much less be willing to admit it.  And her refusal to sendme and Deeks to Egypt when there was clearly nothing more for us to do stateside was just plain odd.  I hate to say it, but maybe it is time for her to retire…

I learned something else during this experience—I can’t do this job unless I’m in the field.  I’ve occasionally toyed with the idea of working up in ops instead of leaving NCIS altogether when I get pregnant, but I don’t think I have the patience for it.  I was itching to get on a flight and help search for Fatima pretty much from the moment we heard she was missing.  And that urge became even stronger when we knew she’d been taken captive.  I didn’t want to examine it too closely at the time, but I wonder if part of that (aside from wanting to save Fatima’s life, of course) was because I didn’t want to think about my own experience in captivity.  Being in the desert searching for someone, likely dodging bullets along the way, is a great distraction from bothersome memories and thoughts if nothing else.

I certainly didn’t enjoy thinking about it being my child in that situation.  Deeks kind of surprised me, insisting he wouldn’t let our kids enter life-risking careers.  I get where he’s coming from, obviously, and I’d be a nervous wreck if a child of oursjoined the military or law enforcement.  But I’d like to think I’d be proud as hell too (and no matter what he said, so would Deeks). I often wonder what my dad would think about my career at NCIS, seeing that I followed in his footsteps and found a job that protects people, but frequently puts my life in danger.  He’d probably have worried, at least initially.  But I hope he’d be proud as hell too.