What else could go wrong? Kensi’s Journal (12/06/20)

12/6/20

I don’t even know where to start.  Which news is more upsetting?  The fact that even Hetty can’t get Deeks back with us or the idea that David Kessler is somewhere out there and wants to rape and murder me?

I really could have lived a long, happy life without ever seeing Kessler again.  Just being in his presence made my skin crawl and it took all of my skill not to let him see that.  I’ll only ever admit this here, but hearing Kessler use “touché” chilled me to the bone, and it freaked me out even more after learning he’d been set free.  Was it just a coincidence, or does he know more about me (and Deeks) than he’d let on?  He correctly postulateda lot about me from his limited observations, and the last time someone played that parlor trick he turned out to be a sicko CIA agent with a dossier on me and Deeks.

As bad as it was to spend most of my day with Kessler, it was infinitely worse when I got home and Deeks told me his news.  It still makes me cry thinking about it now.  I just can’t believe that I won’t be working with Deeks anymore.  Sure, it’s been fine working with the others while he’s been gone, but that was because I thought he’d be back soon.  Now much of my earlier positivity about going into debt buying a house and having kids is gone.  Deeks’ professional future is uncertain and we might not be able to afford kids for a long time if we buy this house.  And I don’t know if I want to stay at a Deeks-less NCIS indefinitely while we wait to get pregnant.  Yes, I’ve been perfectly fine at work without Deeks before and will continue to be if necessary.  But part of what I love about the job is doing it with him; he takes the heavy, stressful times and infuses them with light and laughter.  And now that Kessler’s out, Deeks will be more than a little preoccupied and worried with me in the field and him not there to watch my back.  I probably won’t tell Deeks this because it would upset him more, but I feel the same.