March 23, 2015
So that just happened. Today was another round of the “partner shuffle” resulting in my pairing with Callen. Why does it seem like I’m still having to prove myself to certain people? First it was Sam, then Granger, and now (still) Callen? Does he truly question my skills or is it just the uncertainty of someone less familiar by his side (& oh don’t I know that feeling well myself, but more on that in a minute). We all know Sam and Callen are more married than Kensi loves candy – Wait. Is that even possible? – but he should blame Hetty, not me!
Forget the case & my new (hopefully temporary) partner Callen, who reveals he knows about Kensi and me. That was awkwardly shocking. I’m never really one to hide my emotions and with something as monumental as finally capturing my ladybird, even trying would be impossible. So everyone knows. Now I suspect Nell had some complex betting pool going! I wonder who won and what it was based on. Hey now, I deserve a cut of all that! This has been years of work! But no complaints here, especially not after the recent “personal partner time” activities with my darling Kensalina. (Bad Ass Blye, indeed!)
I yet again believed Hetty separated Kensi and me because of “us”. While that may be true, it just might not apply in the way I imagine. (Man, her cryptic ways are really churning up my anxiety, but then she’s definitely someone you want on your side.) I’ve now got to keep faith in that very bad ass nature of Kensi, because I’m no longer certain I can keep her safe. Yet she seems committed to us, to me. (Wow. Words I never thought could be reality.) I mean look at the progress we demonstrated today. No more non-verbal veiled interactions laced with feigned “I’m good/You’re good”. Now we speak it sincerely and directly: “We’re good.”
All those cliches became reality today: Karma; what goes around comes around; you can run, but you can’t hide. While I’m not 100% certain what LAPD IA is currently up to, I have a pretty decent (& terrible) idea what it may be all about. I honestly don’t know how I/we might emerge from it unscathed, but I’ll do all I can to protect my “family”, even if it’s a painful choice. I will NOT allow someone to use Kensi against me, and I certainly don’t want her to do it voluntarily.
Yet the damage already began today. I simultaneously lied to the two most important women in my life. I abhor lying and to do it with them feels like the ultimate betrayal – to them and myself. Forget the job, a piece of my soul might be in jeopardy this time. But I’m not going down without a fight.