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Drabble of the Week: Fortitude

October 27, 2016


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Deeks couldn’t even begin to deny the bolt of fear that lurched through him when she slid back into sleep, it would take too much energy that he didn’t have, lost days ago when he found himself incapable of sleeping knowing that she wouldn’t be there when he woke, and it was nothing but pure desperation that kept him strong enough to reassure her with squeezes of her good hand and kisses pressed tenderly to her temple every time her eyes strayed to the left, horror setting in once again, dismay over her own weakness.

He left her with Julia, creeping out of the small room with a promise of returning with coffee, ironically scared of waking her, exhaustion evident on her features in the moments before her eyes closed, the devastating discovery crushing every shred of energy in her body, and his.

He found himself in the same courtyard his mother was practically rioting in just this morning, when she picked up the habit of smoking, she wasn’t, though he did dispose of the half empty pack hidden in her purse, she was eccentric, difficult at times, but the tears in her voice when he called to alert her to Kensi waking were obvious, along with the love in her hug goodnight before she left the hospital for his guest room and Monty.

Ten more minutes, he had maybe ten minutes before being expected back in the room, before he was expected to be the strong one again, the one who was murmuring those promises and words of comfort, the one who wasn’t allowed to cry when she couldn’t hold his hand, though her right hand reflexively squeezed his every few seconds, a subconscious fear pushing her to remind herself that she was at least partly whole.

He couldn’t shatter when he was too busy holding her together.

And the vague plan to ask her to wear her ring the moment she woke seemed so wrong, so impossible now. Everything seemed impossible without her steady presence at his side, ring still heavy in his pocket and the lump in his throat physically painful, stopping each breath he attempted to take in.

Already failing, already failing at being that guy who could be her strength and constant support, already failing when he almost crumpled internally at her bedside after her croak of his name was accompanied by her voice cracking and tears glossing over her eyes.

Pulling away from the wall he’d ended up leaning against with a shaking inhalation, he ignored the tears threatening to make an appearance, Julia still needed her caffeine, his call to her pulling her from her bed, and maybe a heavy jolt of sugar would force his body to be stronger, help that smile cover his face when she needed it the most, when she needed that love more than anything.

Give her that life they’d discussed under the sheets of their bed, paired with kisses and enough love, desire to maybe make it still possible.

About divergent338 (30 Articles)
fanfiction writer and constant fangirl for Marty Deeks. Listed on twitter, tumblr, and fanfiction.net under the same username.

7 Comments on Drabble of the Week: Fortitude

  1. Liked your story. I think often the ones who “keep it all together” in life’s crisis moments never get an acknowledgement for their “fortitude”. I hope in this case Deeks’ contribution to all this will be truly identified and acknowledged. Glad he’s getting some back-patting, even if it IS from Hetty. Julia seems to be aware, also, I think.

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  2. It is incredibly difficult and draining to be the “strong” one when there’s trouble. I hope Deeks manages to find an outlet for his worries. This almost made me cry while I was sitting in my office eating lunch. Not cool! The part that totally got me was the part about the ring. It made perfect sense that he would have fantasized about that moment, and to realize that it was not going to happen any time soon was simply heartbreaking.

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  3. When life sometimes suddenly takes such a different turn from what you expected, you may feel helpless with fear and desperation. I think a time will come when Deeks will understand Kensi’s ready and more at ease with him and herself after the accident and coma, and will ask her to marry him not afraid of being pushed away. Until then he needs to guard the ring even if I get he may have a lump in his throat every time he thinks about it or feels its presence in his pocket. It’s normal, he has to cope with it.

    Thanks for your drabble, I like this weekly appointment and I can’t wait to read your take on happier Densi moments, even if I must admit that your angsty stories are my favorites (so far).

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  4. Can’t imagine having to deal with a situation such as this in real life, but it does happen daily.

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  5. You captured Deeks’s fear of failing to be the strong one for Kensi so well. The pressure is so intense onscreen and you fleshed it out. The ring….aack…made me tear up. Great drabble.

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  6. divergent338 // November 2, 2016 at 11:49 AM // Reply

    Thank you all for your support. You’re the best.

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  7. Glorious. Enjoy considering they are both fighting – both both completely different, yet similar ways. This isn’t just Kensi’s battle; they are both All In for this!

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