Deeks couldn’t even begin to deny the bolt of fear that lurched through him when she slid back into sleep, it would take too much energy that he didn’t have, lost days ago when he found himself incapable of sleeping knowing that she wouldn’t be there when he woke, and it was nothing but pure desperation that kept him strong enough to reassure her with squeezes of her good hand and kisses pressed tenderly to her temple every time her eyes strayed to the left, horror setting in once again, dismay over her own weakness.
He left her with Julia, creeping out of the small room with a promise of returning with coffee, ironically scared of waking her, exhaustion evident on her features in the moments before her eyes closed, the devastating discovery crushing every shred of energy in her body, and his.
He found himself in the same courtyard his mother was practically rioting in just this morning, when she picked up the habit of smoking, she wasn’t, though he did dispose of the half empty pack hidden in her purse, she was eccentric, difficult at times, but the tears in her voice when he called to alert her to Kensi waking were obvious, along with the love in her hug goodnight before she left the hospital for his guest room and Monty.
Ten more minutes, he had maybe ten minutes before being expected back in the room, before he was expected to be the strong one again, the one who was murmuring those promises and words of comfort, the one who wasn’t allowed to cry when she couldn’t hold his hand, though her right hand reflexively squeezed his every few seconds, a subconscious fear pushing her to remind herself that she was at least partly whole.
He couldn’t shatter when he was too busy holding her together.
And the vague plan to ask her to wear her ring the moment she woke seemed so wrong, so impossible now. Everything seemed impossible without her steady presence at his side, ring still heavy in his pocket and the lump in his throat physically painful, stopping each breath he attempted to take in.
Already failing, already failing at being that guy who could be her strength and constant support, already failing when he almost crumpled internally at her bedside after her croak of his name was accompanied by her voice cracking and tears glossing over her eyes.
Pulling away from the wall he’d ended up leaning against with a shaking inhalation, he ignored the tears threatening to make an appearance, Julia still needed her caffeine, his call to her pulling her from her bed, and maybe a heavy jolt of sugar would force his body to be stronger, help that smile cover his face when she needed it the most, when she needed that love more than anything.
Give her that life they’d discussed under the sheets of their bed, paired with kisses and enough love, desire to maybe make it still possible.