You’ll never lose me…Kensi’s Journal: 10/21/2029

10/21/19

I know I could have handled today a hell of a lot better, but for the life of me I’m not sure what I should have done differently.  Deeks was right, when I realized I was late I was reluctant to tell him because I didn’t want to get his hopes up until I knew for sure if I was pregnant.  Plus I needed some time to come to terms with the idea myself.  I was becoming excited at the prospect of having a baby, but also disappointed by the fact that it would essentially end my career at NCIS before I was ready.  During my run I had decided the best course of action was to take a home pregnancy test and tell Deeks ASAP if it was positive.  I even picked one up on my way into work for my next trip to the bathroom.  

But instead we ended up chasing possible Ebola carriers across the city and I froze Deeks out until he practically had to force the truth out of me. I felt horrible about leaving the decontamination tent when Deeks still wanted to talk, but I needed to keep my mind on the mission right then and I couldn’t let myself be distracted by the looks of wonder and joy I was about to see on his face.  I was already having such conflicting emotions about possibly being pregnant and potentially being exposed to a deadly virus.  This is exactly why I don’t want to get pregnant unless I’m out of the field.  I can’t split my focus like that; I either need to back up my partner or protect our child I can’t do both in situations like this.

On the plus side, today once again reminded me how lucky I am to have Deeks as both my partner and my husband (and the future father of our children).  I shouldn’t have been surprised that he understood how scared I was thinking (hoping?) I might be pregnant while we dealt with an Ebola scare.  I also really appreciated and was mildly shocked by the fact that he didn’t get all protective (paternal?) on me and try to demand that I leave the case.  He allowed me to make that decision every step of the way, even after we found out that there wasn’t a cure for the strain we were potentially about to come into contact with.That can’t have been easy for him.  

Biggest surprise of the day, though?  Realizing I was disappointed when I found out it was a false alarm.

I’m glad we talked more about it when we came home tonight. How stupid (and cowardly) was I to avoid it for so long?  It broke my heart to realize Deeks was afraid he’d lose me if he continued to push the topic of kids.  I’m not sure we made any headway in deciding an exact timeframe to start a family since work is still obviously so important to me, but we came to an agreement that I think we’ll both be happy with in the end.