Growth – Deeks’ Surf Log – 10/20/19

Sunday, October 20, 2019

Ebola ended up being the least of my concerns today. Yes, a virus that causes you to bleed to death ultimately seemed pretty insignificant. Not that I don’t care about the greater humanity, it’s just the world, my world, got very… focused in an instant. 

Kensi. Oh Kensi. It was a flashback, a reminder to how things used to be, of Kensi protecting herself behind an emotional “wall”. Absolutely no one could blame her. To carry the burden she did, for however long it actually was, once again substantiates my lady being an epic Wonder Woman. Her strength continues to astound me. 

I once said in marriage there are no boundaries. But I was wrong. Kens had every right to keep her suspicion, her feelings to herself (this time). My words were pure honestly that it was the right call to not tell me, even if in the moment it hurt. Had I known, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from overwhelming both of us, which in the end, would have just hurt us more than it already does. And as much as it hurt me, I knew I couldn’t let all that out. This was about Kensi.

Today, however, was a demonstration of growth by both of us. While I cautiously inquired about Kensi’s uncharacteristic behavior, I didn’t push. I let Kensi come to me on her own, in her own time. And she did. I didn’t have to force my way (typically with charm & jokes!) over/through her “wall”; she voluntarily communicated with me openly and directly when she was ready. I patiently waited; she bravely expressed her vulnerability. Man, this is unbelievable. 

So maybe my takeaway from this reflection is (painfully) this: Maybe we’re not ready. Maybe we still have some growing to do as individuals and as a couple. I may not like it. I may not agree with it. But if this happens to be the case, at least I get to go through it all with Kensi. And with that, I’m off for an overdue, heartfelt talk. #babysteps