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A Day to Remember: Kensi’s Journal 2/1/2019


12/1/19

I must have jinxed us when I wrote that things should calm down for my OSP family once we had Beale back safe and sound.  Instead they pretty much exploded, literally for me and Deeks!  Even before that I should have known this would be a day to remember (as much as I’d like to forget it); half a body propped up on a bed is not something you come across every day.  That sight brought back memories of the Frankenstein’s monster Bobby Griffin and his merry band of sickos left behind for us to find in the body shop a few years ago.  Is it my imagination, or are criminals taking things to higher and higher levels of insanity now?  Maybe I’m just getting too…old?…sensitive? for this line of work.

I definitely feel about ten years older after how close I came to losing Deeks today.  I still start to cry at the thought.  And smile, just a little, because who else but my husband would compare me to an overweight dog while telling me that my mere slumbering presence in the middle of the night pulls him out of anxiety attacks (we’re going to have a talk about why it took him staring death in the face to share that with me)?  God, I love him so much.  I really don’t want to think about his near-missanymore, but I owe it to Deeks not to just push it to the back of my mind the way I tend to.  I need to remember the terror I felt today the next time we talk about getting out of the field; maybe then I’ll be able to commit to a timeline for leaving NCIS and moving on to the next stage of our life together.

I’m so glad (and relieved, and every other positive adjective there is) that I thought to use the Audi to pull the door off that room when I did.  I wouldn’t have wanted to spend our last minutes arguing with Deeks about the fact that I wasn’t about to leave him there to die alone.  Doesn’t that idiot realize his loss is something I’d never recover from?  So instead I spent that time rambling in a Deeks-worthy fashion about all kinds of nonsense.  Okay, not all of it was nonsense; without a doubt I want to have children with him.  And of course he’ll teach them to surf.  I’ll probably teach them Spanish before French, assuming we stay in the LA area.  No matter where we are, however, we will not be living in a van or hunting berries for sustenance (sounds like a promising camping trip, though), and I can’t see either one of us doing the home schooling bit, so I’m pretty sure Deeks won’t try to hold me to anything but the “making babies” part. 😊

I can only imagine what Hetty feels right now, having one of her protégés, someone she took in and helped to find a purpose, want so badly to kill her (and me and Deeks as well).  I wonder if an ending like that was on her mind back when Hetty warned me about recognizing when it was time to hang up my gun?  At the time I thought she was referring to waking up to find myself old and alone one day, with nothing more than my weapons to keep me company.  But maybe she was also worried that I, or any of us, could become so embittered and twisted that we would turn our backs on everything we believe in and become a cold-hearted killer.  Regardless of what she feared my prospects might be if I stayed in the field too long, I’m pretty sure she suspected, even then, that Deeks was the key to making sure my future would be the best possible one.  For all her faults, I will always be grateful to Hetty for bringing Deeks into my life.  Now it’s up to us to make sure we get the future we want.  And on that note, I think I’m going to re-join my husband in bed and remind him that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me too.

About Psyched (24 Articles)
Turns out I've been writing fan fiction since before it was a "thing" on the internet (okay, even before there was an internet). I spent many a boring junior high history class coming up with more exciting stories for my favorite soap opera characters. I continue to enjoy the creative outlet it provides in my still-boring but now adult life.

8 Comments on A Day to Remember: Kensi’s Journal 2/1/2019

  1. Kensi, Kensi, Kensi what can I say about your love for Deeks. All those nervous promises that you made when you thought you might lose Deeks were said with love. Well, at least one of those thoughts may happen. And that scene with Callen going to rescue Hetty, he was taking no prisoners, and that beautiful scene with Hetty talking to her dying son, touching. I may have gotten a little off-topic here psyched, but this was a nice Kensi’s Journal. Thank you. wikiDeeks forever.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A really wonderful entry into Kensi’s journal. I had to think the overweight dog reference was an improv by eco, so thanks for including it. I truly liked your take on Kensi’s view of Hetty, and the fact that Kensi recognized Deeks was in her life because of Hetty.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Always appreciate your comments, Sassy! Did ECO have to ad-lib that line or did he just write it for himself, I wonder? 🙂

      I think Kensi’s feelings for Hetty will forever be conflicted because of the good and not-so-good things Hetty is responsible for in her life. Kensi (and the rest of the team) must recognize that Hetty does what none of them want to do (in her role as operations manager who move the chess board, not just the pieces): she makes the hard decisions and does what must be done (and\or makes her team do it) whether she likes it or not. I wonder if Kensi sees any similarities between Hetty and her father in regards to his role in black-ops unit Oscar Sierra?

      I also think Kensi’s appreciation of Hetty bringing Deeks into her life probably goes beyond a casual, “Oh she hired him and that’s why he’s in my life.” I think she understands that Hetty’d had her eye on Deeks for a while, specifically to be Kensi’s partner, because they would complement each other and eventually work well together. Whether or not Hetty believed they would/could be perfect for each other personally as well, who knows? But even if Hetty didn’t outright encourage it (which she certainly seemed to at times), she also didn’t actively get in the way of their ship (despite what they believed as a result of the White Ghost/Afghanistan mission), enabling Kensi to have pretty much the perfect life at the moment (together with Deeks at home and at the work she loves). I think Kensi will always credit Hetty for that, no matter what else she’s has done to them.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I guess I thought ECO ad-libbed that line because it seemed so off the wall, it was hard for me to imagine he wrote it down.

        Hetty is a very interesting character to debate. At times I thought perhaps she was written inconsistently but I have rethought that and I think she has been written consistently as an operations manager who really does move the chess board not just the pieces. I thought ECO’s script really helped clarify who Hetty really is. I do hope he writes another script.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I agree, Sassy. I also think it is very interesting to watch the others characters’ responses to her many decisions. For example, from Mother alone, compare Nell’s muttered, “This is what happens when you try to play God in the lives of those you say your love.” with Callen’s “You have never failed me, Hetty. Or anyone on this team. And you never will.”

          Liked by 2 people

  3. “I definitely feel about ten years older after how close I came to losing Deeks today. I still start to cry at the thought”.
    I think Kensi will never forget this day. I mean, she had already been very close to losing Deeks (in Mexico), but this time it was different, a bomb was going to explode and she felt helpless with Deeks trapped there. Luckily she had a very brilliant idea that saved the day and Deeks.
    Thanks for this beautiful page of Kensi’s journal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your compliment, Cladani. I agree, this time was different–Deeks actually said what he thought would be his goodbye to Kensi. I hope she never does forget what that felt like. And I hope she keeps it in mind the next time they talk about getting out of the field and having kids (when the show is set to end, of course).

      Liked by 1 person

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