To New Beginnings: Kensi’s Journal 5/21/23

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been stunned like I was today (and I’m not talking about the two-hour notice for Callen and Anna’s wedding): when I was notified of my father’s death, the moment I realized I was in love with my idiot partner, the first time Deeks kissed me, and when we were told Rosa could come home with us that night.  Each time, that deep, instantaneous understanding that what had just unexpectedly happened would forever alter the course of my life left me knocked off kilter and feeling wholly unprepared. For as much as Deeks and I had tried in the past few years, for all the times I thought it might have happened, for all of the slightest little signs or symptoms I looked for, you’d think I would have recognized my “food poisoning” for what it was: morning sickness. 

Yes, I’m pregnant.  PREGNANT!  Deeks and I are going to have a baby, and I still can’t quite believe it.  As soon as we got home from the wedding I took every pregnancy test I could find under the bathroom sink just to prove it to myself (I mean, the doctor could have read the wrong results).  We both cried, again, at every pair of lines, plus sign and “Pregnant” that appeared.  Funny as it sounds, I think that’s when it finally became real for me.  We’re growing our family and I couldn’t be happier.  I already know what a great father Deeks is to a teenager, and I can’t wait to watch him with a baby.  And a toddler.  And every other age! 

As unexpected as this is, now that it’s real, it’s time to start putting some plans in place.  We’ll have to talk to Kilbride as soon as possible about modified duty for me.  After being knocked through a glass door today while doing something as simple as overwatch, being out in the field is not a risk I’m willing to take anymore.  Hopefully between now and when my maternity leave ends, Deeks and I will have figured out what our next steps will be and secured jobs elsewhere.  I’m still not sure what I want to do, but I know now more than ever that I want what Deeks wants: a safer job with consistent hours.  I can’t believe I’m about to write this, but if I can’t find that within NCIS, I’m okay with that.  I’m proud of what I’ve done in my career, and if my time saving the world has come to an end, so be it.  I’m so thankful to Deeks for staying in with me these last few years and I’m glad to finally give him what he’s wanted for so long.  And I’m kind of looking forward to finding out what a “normal” life is like with my incredible family.

I was relieved that Deeks, Rosa, and I made it through the celebration today without blurting out the news, especially after Anna told me I was glowing.  I’m hoping to get an appointment with my ob-gyn as soon as possible to find out how far along I am, because we won’t be able to keep this pregnancy a secret for long, particularly once the team realizes I’m not doing fieldwork anymore.  I also hope Rosa remains as happy about being a big sister as she was when we told her.  This was not something Deeks and I had at all prepared for.  We figured if or when we decided we were ready to foster or adopt again, it would be after several discussions with Rosa, and only if she was okay with it.  I’m a little nervous that Rosa might feel like she’ll be second best to our biological child.  Or that we’ll expect her to babysit all the time instead of being allowed to live her life.  Or that we’re trying to replace her when she goes to college and she won’t feel at home with us anymore.  Geez, these are horrible thoughts.  I need to tell Deeks so we make sure Rosa knows she will always be our first and will always be loved (and will always be paid if she does want to babysit occasionally).  Speaking of horrible, I feel awful now that I gave Deeks the cold shoulder all day, but technically it is still his fault that I’ve been sick.  I wonder if I can blame pregnancy hormones?  I also wonder if my loving husband will get up and make me an ice cream sundae right now, even though it’s after two in the morning and he’s sound asleep.  Maybe if I ask him nicely and tell him that Mama has a craving?  Good thing we already have a lot of experience getting up in the middle of the night…