A Series of Unfortunate Events: Drabble 3/5/23

A/N: Given all the humorous stories we heard bits and pieces of in “A Farewell to Arms,” I decided to lean into it and finish one of the stories. This is probably far sillier than anything I’ve written for wikiDeeks, so I hope you’re not horrified.

Thanks to Lyssa for the idea to include Ray in Deeks’ retelling.

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Deeks slid into bed next to Kensi, tossing her the packet of pretzels he’d retrieved from the kitchen, and grabbed the remote, navigating to the channel menu.

“So, what do you want to watch tonight? That cooking competition? There’s a new episode of that CBS show you like,” he said, turning to Kensi with a raised eyebrow. 

“Oh no, we’re not watching TV tonight. You’re telling me the rest of that story about you breaking curfew,” she told him.

“Kensi, it’s really not that exciting.”

“Babe, you were gone for two days and there were cows involved. Start talking.” Fixing him with a stubborn look, she tore the pretzel bag open and popped a piece in her mouth. “Spill.”

Deeks sighed, tossing his head back dramatically. “Fine. This can’t go beyond this room though.”

“Kensi Blye Guarantee,” she promised.

“Alright.” Deeks cleared his throat, settling himself in for the story. Kensi snuggled into the covers with a happy smile. “It was summer, I was fifteen and it all started when Ray got tickets—don’t ask me how—to Pearl Jam. The only problem was that we didn’t have a car between us and the show was like 12 hours away.”

“Concert tickets of dubious origins and two teens without reliable transportation. Got it.”

“You’re enjoying this way too much.”

“Well, I don’t get the opportunity to learn new things about you every day. Especially your adolescence. It’s kind of exciting.”

“Then I guess it’s a good thing Ray isn’t around, cause he’d love to share every single indiscretion of our youth,” Deeks commented, shifting his arm around Kensi’s back. “Anyway, Ray solved our transpiration issue by getting a deal on a used car.”

“Where’d he get the money from?” Kensi wondered. “You always made it sound like you guys didn’t have much. Especially Ray.”

“Oh, he didn’t. He raided the small college fund his mom convinced him to start. He insisted it was a better choice than going to community college.” Deeks smiled to himself. “He found this shady guy who needed money so he wasn’t above selling his car to a teenager.”

“What kind of a car was it?”

“A very well-loved 1971 Cutlass with 200,000 miles on it,” Deeks said, and Kensi gasped. 

“Yep. The entire thing smelled like smoke, it made the worst shrieking noise every time you braked, and there was a spot in the roof that had rusted straight through. Ray still thought it was a deal for $300, and figured it would get us to and from the concert without anyone noticing.”

“Oh my god. Did you guys even have licenses or insurance?” Kensi asked, pressing her fingers to her temples. She looked torn between amusement and horror, the latter probably fueled by thoughts of Rosa in a similar situation.

“Ray passed his test a few months before that. The insurance, not so much.” Deeks shrugged at Kensi’s outrage. “What, we were teenagers? I think I established that nothing in this plan was well thought out.”

“OK, point taken. Where do the cows come in?”

“I’m getting there. Patience, Kensalina,” Deeks said, getting into the story despite himself. Alright, so we drove to the concert without any problem, it was amazing, and we may or may not have gotten distracted by a couple girls.”

“Uh-huh.”

“We were perfect gentleman. Not to mention, they had to get back to their dorm room.”

“College girls?! OK, I definitely need to hear all about that.”

“Nope, no time. Which is what we said to the college girls.”

Kensi made a noise of protest and he winked, continuing on with the story. 

“So, at this point, Ray realized that there was no way we’re going to make it back home before the next day, so he took every back road he could find as fast as possible. He was barreling down this road covered in pot holes, in a car that was two seconds away from falling to pieces, when we saw these beady eyes shining at us. Ray panicked, swerved hard, and we slid into a ditch.”

“Oh my god!” Kensi gasped. “Were you hurt?”

“Amazingly, no. But no matter what we tried, we couldn’t push the car back out. Mind you, it was like 3:30 in the morning at this point, so it was pitch black out there aside from the flashlight we had. Eventually, we decided to head towards these lights in the distance, thinking it might be a house.”

“Because that doesn’t sound dangerous at all,” Kensi said dryly. 

“Yeah, well we never made it to the house. About ten minutes in we climbed over a fence and we stumbled over something really big. Then out of nowhere, the thing started mooing. I don’t think I’d ever heard Ray scream so loud. Side note, cows are surprisingly fast.” He made a face, remembering the terror as the massive animal moved towards them. “I don’t know how many there were, but it sounded like a herd, so we booked it out of there. Ray still swears one of them bit his arm.”

“Oh god, you guys were a menace to society.” Kensi shook her head again, fingers pressed to her temples. “OK, what happened next.”

“We decided to keep to the side of the road and walk until we found a phone. Which turned out to be a terrible idea. By the time the morning rolled around, we were exhausted, and contemplating eating grass. Fortunately, a guy in a truck came along before we actually had to stoop that low.” 

“Yes, cause getting in a random man’s truck on a deserted road sounds like a great idea.”

“Hey, he was very pleasant. He took one look at us, covered in mud and all sweaty, and took us back to his little house a few miles away. He gave us breakfast, asked where we were headed, and gave us enough money to take a bus back home. Never asked anything else. I think his name was Jake.” 

Deeks shifted higher in the bed, extending his free hand. “The rest of the story is kind of boring. We made it back to L.A. without any more shenanigans, tired and in desperate need of a shower.” 

“That’s it? What did your mom do?” Kensi asked. “I imagine Roberta had a full manhunt going by that point.” 

“Actually, Mom never found out.” Kensi gave him a look of disbelief, and he elaborated. “She was working two jobs at that point. She’d work 8 hours during the day for an insurance company, get home just long enough to eat, then head back out to wait tables. When I wasn’t working part time, I spent most of my free time surfing or hanging out with Ray, so she probably figured I was with him. And Ray’s mom had pretty much checked out at that point.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, baby,” Kensi murmured. He shrugged it off. 

“Eh, in this case I’m kind of glad. Because if Mama had found out, she never would have let me out of the house again.” 

“Or you know, you could have just used some common sense and not act like a juvenile delinquent.”

“Oh, yeah, remind me how you got those VIP tickets?”

“Anyway,” Kensi said quickly. “I think this whole story is proof that we need to set some clear boundaries for Rosa so she doesn’t run into these kinds of issues.”

“You really think she’s going to buy a rickety car and run into a herd of cows?”

“She’s your daughter, babe. Anything’s possible.”