Pre-Wedding Jitters: Deeks Surf Log – 3/3/19

Let’s take this one thing at a time (because frankly that’s all I can process these days).

Work – Today was a test-run. Kensi’s went to work without me. I realize she went to work without me when I was recovering from… Uh yeh that. But this was different. This might be more of our future? Yes I vehemently know she can take care of herself – did before me as her partner, with me as her partner, and even when I’m not her partner. (Wow I hated just writing those words.) Yet if life has taught us anything, it’s that we definitely don’t know what the future holds.

The Bar – I should have realized what Dear Roberta was up to, joking about the imperative health inspection. And then not only nailing all the facts, but also charming the inspector. Talk about the apple not falling far from the tree. I mean she’s obviously where I learned it from – using humor to break the tension and charm to win over people. However, apparently I’m so tense about so many things, I couldn’t see the humor or any charm. (Now maybe I know how Sam and Callen felt about me all those years. Note “felt” as in past tense!)

The wedding – So, so many details. AUGH. What happened to the glorious simplicity of me and my lady love expressing our love and dedication on the beach?! Why do I get the sense this growing cast of characters is going to turn this sincere event into a chaotic circus?!

Mama – Wow was Mama churned up, talking a million miles a minute and digging in her heels over the dance. Who knew that was all born out of insecurity? If there’s one thing we Deeks do, it’s the famous “fake it till you make it”. I’ve learned enough from Kensi to relay some steps to Mama. But that wasn’t the real issue. No, it was to make her feel safe – something she did for me for so many years.

Writing all this out, like always, has brought some clarity. The root of all this recent tension and anxiety honestly isn’t any of the above; that’s all just “noise”. It’s the realization of so many dreams actually coming true – my relationship with Mama, the bar, and (deep breath) marrying Kensi. It all feels like a dream. A completely awesome dream I never want to wake up from. Do I think I’m really ready for it all? In every possible and conceivable way… I do.