Blue Christmas – Deeks’ Surf Log 12/08/19

Sunday, December 8, 2019

Ho ho ho! The holiday season is upon us again, as is… a power grid threat. Seriously?! The bad guys have got to get more creative than this. What is this? The 3rd-ish time this has happened in the run-up to the holidays? It’s not even the biggest threat. You know what is? Christmas lights. Either the over-abundance of them is going to overwhelm the power grid and at minimum cause “brown-outs”, or worse, some bad wiring is going to set-off another wildfire. Welcome to a traditional Southern California Christmas. 

It took more time than usual for the technical meerkats to track down the offenders, which resulted in spending most of the day in the Armory. It might sound odd, until I spied Kensalina cleaning her firearms. Still not odd, right? Until I realized how overly-meticulous she was being, and the fact she was working her way through every single weapon in the entire room. A clear “tell” if ever there was one. Then the straw that literally broke the camel’s back? Not being able to get her to laugh. In this tale, I’m not sure who the camel was, but we’d both probably claim it. 

I used to think finally breaking through her “wall” and the miracle of having her admit feelings for me were two of the biggest challenges my adult heart would face. Wrong again, pal. Isn’t being blissfully wed and striving toward starting a family supposed to be… well, blissful? Obviously not. I seem to have forgotten whenever another human, especially an innocent, helpless one, is involved, all logic flies out the window. 

It’s not been that long since we solidly decided to have a child. Somehow I overlooked the fact that when Kensi decides something, it’s usually a done-deal. But this ultimately isn’t up to us. None of it. Will we be blessed with a child? If not, then what? But what if we are? The question of “Then what?” still stands. Either result is equally exuberant and terrifying. I’m usually the one to calm Kensi down and to trust in an unknown future. Not this time, not for either of us. No, I defaulted into a babbling idiot, because I’m just as freaked out. 

You know those airline instructions about putting on your own mask before helping someone else? It’s a real-world demonstration of having to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. Well in this case 1) I don’t know how to “take care” of myself (I mean look how I handled being tortured), and 2) I can’t stand to see Kensi suffer. But right now neither of us can do anything about it. 

So we’ll just have to do what we can – simply keep trying, but also upping our efforts in researching “tactics” & alternatives, and working to have faith. If today’s mutual outpouring taught us anything, it’s that we’ve got to lean into and on each other rather than keeping things bottled up. Enduring a meltdown is never fun, but learning we have shared thoughts and concerns definitely made both of us feel not so alone. It was a strong reminder that we’ve always been better together. 

For now we’ll celebrate our first Christmas as husband and wife, appreciate what and who we have in our lives, and look toward whatever the new year might bring.