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I Can’t Wait For Deeks to be a Dad! Kensi’s Journal 12/8/19

12/8/19

Deeks is right—he is better than anyone in the world at making me laugh.  It’s one of the many reasons I fell in love with him, and in fact I think it was the very first reason that I agreed to hang out with him after work in our early days as partners.  I mean, we weren’t doing anything I wouldn’t have done by myself (target practice, working out, eating dinner while watching trash TV, etc.) but he made everything so much more enjoyable with his lightness and humor.

Unfortunately, nothing Deeks could do would break me out of my I’m-not-pregnant-again-funk this morning.  I’ll blame my period hormones since obviously there are no pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, but I can’t believe I started crying about it at work.  In the armory, no less—one of my happy places!  I know three months is not a long time in this context.  I’ve talked to my doctor and read tons online (which only adds to my anxiety—I should probably stop looking at stats on the chances of getting pregnant after 30).  But what if I waited too long?  What if putting this off because I wasn’t ready to leave work results in us not getting pregnant at all?  I feel like we’ve been riding an emotional roller coaster since the false alarm that started us down this road three months ago.

Yes, there are other options, should they become necessary.  Adoption is one of them, and I wouldn’t discount it as a possibility for us one day, even if we have a baby the more traditional way.  But I really want to experience all the joys and miseries that go along with pregnancy.  Morning sickness, peeing too much, late-night cravings, feeling the baby move, stretch marks, not seeing my feet, larger breasts (okay, that one’s for Deeks), giving birth (at home, preferably)—I want it all!  Hell, Deeks even dreamt of me being pregnant while he was unconscious.  I would hate for us to miss that, and I would hate even more to disappoint him.

I spend a good amount of time every week training to build and maintain my strength, stamina, and skills and it has always paid off.  But there’s nothing more I can do to get pregnant beyond what I’m already doing: maintaining my health and having sex every few days.  I’m so used to making things happen and controlling my own fate that I feel betrayed by my body when it doesn’t respond the way I want it to.  I remember feeling the same way when I was paralyzed, and it dragged me down emotionally.  And Deeks’ perpetually positive and encouraging outlook did nothing to ease my panic and depression because it didn’t seem realistic at the time.  That’s why I’m glad he opened up about his fears today.


I’m relieved that so many of his fears are the same as mine—that we waited too long; that if we do have a baby, he or she won’t be healthy; that something will happen and we can’t fix it.  But it saddens me that Deeks still worries about the kind of father he’ll be.  I know what his parenting role models were, and I’m not concerned.  Bertie tried her best but being in an abusive relationship and then a single mother didn’t leave her much time to devote to her son.  She did show him unconditional love, though, and Deeks gives that in spades.  And if Deeks’ “father” did anything for him, it was to motivate him to be the opposite of that man in every way that matters.  Deeks as a dad is something I dream about, and the last thing I worry about.  He’ll be a father to rival my own, of that I have no doubt.  

While I have no doubt Deeks will be a dad like mine, I’m a little afraid that my parenting skills will be lacking if I don’t “click” with our children.  Part of the reason my dad was my best friend was because we had so many interests in common and I wanted to learn everything he could teach me.  But what if that’s not the case with our kids—how do I connect with them then?   My worst fear when it comes to being a parent is that I’ll have the kind of relationship with them that I had with my mother.  Yes I loved her, and she was a great mom when I was growing up.  But my connection with my father was so much stronger that I was able to simply cut off all ties with Mom because of something she did (or said she did) to Dad.  What does that say about the strength of our mother-daughter bond?  I know our relationship is good now, but that’s because I finally grew up and realized I wanted and needed her in my life.  That’s not what I want with my children.

Okay, Kensi—shake it off.  Time to end the pity party and look forward to the next month of trying to get pregnant and all the years of forming strong, loving relationships with our kids.  Ninja assassins or baby wolves (which are actually called wolf pups; I looked it up), we’re going to have them one way or another.

About Psyched (32 Articles)
Turns out I've been writing fan fiction since before it was a "thing" on the internet (okay, even before there was an internet). I spent many a boring junior high history class coming up with more exciting stories for my favorite soap opera characters. I continue to enjoy the creative outlet it provides in my still-boring but now adult life.

14 Comments on I Can’t Wait For Deeks to be a Dad! Kensi’s Journal 12/8/19

  1. I really like your take on Kensi’s view towards her mom. It would be really nice if in addition to Deeks backstory , still hoping for a Deeks, M , we got some of what it was like when Kensi left her mom and lived on the street. I thought you captured Kensi perfectly in that part of her stress about not getting pregnant relates to her wanting to control her body and it was a nice parallel to when she was injured in the helicopter crash. Well done, and happy holidays to all of you at wikiDeeks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the lovely compliment, Sassy! I agree, I would love to see a Deeks, M. ep, but I have a feeling it would never satisfy all of us–too many things we want to know! And yes–I also want to know what Kensi’s time on the streets was like (especially about the “really horrible things” she said she did in “Forasteira”–was she referencing cutting Julia out of her life, or more?).

      Happy holidays to you as well!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Fantastic work on this! It hit on not just what we have seen in this seasons episodes, but also in the times they have discussed it(sorta but not really) in the past years. The what ifs and are they gonna be better parents to any potential kids based on their own childhood on top of their line of work now having been amplified since they are married, Not speaking for anyone else, but kids or no kids, wherever this show goes, I am truly hoping for a happily ever after to this love story. And if anyone deserves it its these two! Forgive my babbling!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • No worries about “babbling” here, Mike, espeically when you’re talking about our favorite detective getting his happily ever after! Thanks so much for your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Stephanie Specht // December 15, 2019 at 9:44 AM // Reply

    This journal entry was right on the money-you captured Kensi and Deeks emotions perfectly. I’m hoping for a happy ending for our favorite t.v. couple. They both deserve it after all they’ve been through together. A baby (or two) would be the icing on the 🎂.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was great, Psyched! Thanks for this amazing page of Kensi’s journal.
    “Deeks even dreamt of me being pregnant while he was unconscious”: to be honest, that image never left my mind the more in this week’s episode they spoke about having a baby and the difficulty of getting pregnant (even if getting so frustrated and worried after trying only three months seemed a little forced just to create drama for the sake of drama).
    I wish Deeks and Kensi’s dream of becoming parents would come true in the future if this is what they both really want, but at the same time I am scared this would mean the show might end or very reduced screen time for either DR or ECO or both, or leaving completely. But I have decided to be positive (it’s almost Christmas) and not to worry in advance, so I hope NCIS:LA will stay strong as it is for many more seasons!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Cladani, I’m glad you enjoyed it! I think TPTB couldn’t really say they’ve been trying for any longer than a few months (certainly not long enough to really begin to worry) considering Kensi’s reaction to thinking she was pregnant in Yellow Jack (not terribly positive). However, I do think it’s in character for her to just think all she has to do is set out to do something and it will happen–so the drama could make sense.

      And I agree, I want them to have their babies one day, but also want both actors to continue in the show (and the show to continue as well) in the same capacity. I trust TPTB to pull it off, though!

      Like

  5. Great log entry Psyched. I loved how you showed the whole circle of “how to be a parent” from Kensi’s and Deeks’ parents to Deeks and Kensi themselves. I was deeply touched by the whole entry especially with “She (Bertie) did show him unconditional love, though, and Deeks gives that in spades.” I was so happy to see that Deeks grew up with the person who loved him and cared for him and showed him that. I was so happy to get to know Roberta and to see that he was showered with love, maybe a little bit unconventional love, but he recognized it for what it was. And I was so happy to see that Deeks grew up to be such a balanced person in the end. My husband and I tried for years to get pregnant (IVF included) and every time we found out we weren’t, our hearts simultaneously broke and relaxed as we both were full of the same fears Deeks vocalized in the episode. In the end we haven’t got our happy end with kids, but we connected even more than before and we continued our lives together as even better couple not allowing to consider ourselves determined only as parents. So I guess we got our happy end that we still live. So even if they do not get their happy end with kids, I still have a faith that together they are much more than (failed) parents and that they will be aware of that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your kind words, Maria. I wish we knew more about the kind of parent Roberta was in canon. Deeks, for as crazy as he is driven by his mother, seems to really love Roberta and credit her for how he turned out, so I have to assume that for all she may have been lacking, she gave him love.

      I’m sorry to hear of your struggles to get pregnant, and as someone who also has no children, I appreciate your ability to define yourself as more than “failed” parents.

      Like

  6. Sharon Dickinson // January 19, 2020 at 11:08 PM // Reply

    I just love this show. The chemistry between deeks and kensi is undeniable. I think a pregnant kensi with twins is perfect. Kensi can go back to where she started helping eric in ops. Neil and deeks did just fine as temporary partners before. I’m sure after the delivery she can return to action with deeks and the little deeks jr. and kenzet will be very well taken care of by the daycare that is provided there at the boatshed….hetty would make an awesome nanny!

    This is the first time I’ve ever commented on a fan page. Is the reply really from kensi? Lol.

    You are wonderful!!!

    Like

    • Welcome to wikiDeeks, Sharon and thanks for your comment. We’re glad to have you here whether you comment or not!

      I agree, the chemistry between Deeks and Kensi is undeniable (and a big part of the reason I watch the show). I have to admit, I’m personally not a fan of the idea of Densi having kids on the show unless it’s a flash-forward to several years from now in the finale (or another dream sequence). I much prefer reading and writing fanfic for those kinds storylines.

      But clearly that’s where Kensi’s head is so that’s how I write her here. I’m glad you’re enjoying Kensi’s musings! Thanks again for your thoughts.

      Like

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