He’s Right. Kensi’s Journal 5/16/21

5/16/21

My first thought when Deeks suggested I see a therapist was that Blyes don’t need therapists.  We line our problems up in our sights and take them out before they take us out.  While that might be possible with Kessler (and still more tempting than I’d like to admit) I don’t know how to do that when it comes to my inability to conceive.  Instead, I just tamp down all the emotions when they get overwhelming, which results in snapping at my husband when all he’s trying to do is help. The problem is that he can’t help.  Because my body isn’t doing what we want it to do.  Unlike when I was paralyzed, no amount of therapy (physical, occupational, or talk) can fix whatever is keeping me from getting pregnant.  I have absolutely no control when it comes to this and I’m just not used to that.  Just like I currently have no control over the Kessler situation, at least until he makes his move.

So maybe my need to take a break before we move onto the next step in our fertility journey, while exactly the opposite of what will result in pregnancy, is my attempt to gain some sense of control again (and I didn’t need to pay a therapist to tell me that).  As nervous as I was that Deeks would be disappointed (at best) or angry (at worst) by my request, he supported me like he always does.  It occurs to me now that I really haven’t been giving all that much thought to Deeks during all of this.  I know he’s just as upset as I am every month when there’s still only one line on the pregnancy test (even though he tries not to show it).  I also know how hard it is for him to watch me struggle and not respond positively to his attempts to make me feel better.  But I haven’t really been offering him any support in return, have I?  Who am I kidding—that’s putting it mildly—I was pretty damned bitchy to him today, and it wasn’t the first time.  I don’t like that he needs to walk on eggshells around me; that can’t be good for our marriage, and it’s not fair to Deeks.   Even if we end up pursuing adoption, an idea Deeks seemed okay with, I’m worried that I’m going to be fighting this feeling of failure for a long time.  And continuing to take it out on Deeks is simply not acceptable.  As much as I regret it afterward, I don’t seem to be able to stop myself in the moment.  Damn it, he’s right…I need to talk to a therapist.