Wrong and wrong: Kensi’s Journal 10/24/21

I’m feeling very conflicted right now.  I desperately wish I could have helped Mia out of her abusive relationship by arresting Lukas Meyer for the murders of seven ATF agents.  I feel guilty that she killed him herself (an idea I gave her!) to protect Megan/me from having to do it.  Plus I didn’t report Mia’s contact with me until this morning, knowing very well it would mean we’d likely never find her.  Am I hoping two wrongs make a right?  Even though it was unintentional, I set a woman up to kill a man and then I temporarily, but deliberately, shirked my duty and helped her escape.  Wrong and wrong.  But is it right to allow Mia to remain free? 

Unless he says otherwise today, I don’t think Deeks was bothered by my actions.  He recognizes that it was my spiel about killing an abuser that set Mia into action, but also understands that we can’t control everyone or everything involved in a case.  He also made sure I knew what it meant that I didn’t make that call to Fatima last night; no doubt so I would be able to live with the consequences of my actions.  But he didn’t try to make me change my mind, so I can only assume he agreed with my decision (or at least didn’t strongly disagree).  That makes me feel a little better, because I really respect my husband and partner’s moral compass.

Which is why I’m starting to worry about him when it comes to Kessler.  I don’t want Deeks doing anything to Kessler that will land him in hot water, but I feel like he’s ready to jump in with both feet if it comes to that to keep me safe.  We both know we wouldn’t have cause to take lethal action against Kessler unless someone’s life is in imminent danger, but I also know there’s no way Deeks will ever let Kessler get that close to me if he can do anything about it.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the conversation we had years ago, before we decided to go all in.   Deeks feared it might come to this.  Like Paul Angelo, Deeks knew he had the propensity to let his love for me be the reason he crossed a legal and moral line.  I owe it to him to make sure he doesn’t have to.  All I need to do is figure out how.