Letting Go: Drabble 3/30/23

A/N: Given a recent Hetty discussion on Tumblr for the last episode, I decided to flesh out the subject in this fic.

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Deeks pulled into the driveway, spotting a familiar figure camped out on the front porch. Hands balanced on his knees, and what looked like a six pack of Coronas by his feet. In the last couple years, he’d popped up at Kensi and Deeks’ house several times. Usually, it was following a difficult case, or new details from his past.

“Hey man,” he said as he got out and walked over to the porch.

“Hey. You have a good visit with Rosa’s aunt?”

“Rosa was happy to see her again. It’s kind of hard, but her aunt’s hanging in there, and I guess that’s the best we can hope for.” Deeks gestured for Callen to scoot over and sank down next to him on the second step.

“Did Rosa and Kensi decided to stay longer?” Callen asked, pulling out two of the beers, uncapping them both, and offering one to Deeks, which he accepted it with a nod of thanks.

“Nah, Rosa wanted to sign up for an art class and today was the deadline, so Kensi took her to do that. Then they’re grabbing dinner.” Callen nodded, taking a long drink from his bottle. “So what brings you over to Casa Del Blye-Deeks-Reyes?”

“Hetty.”

“Ooh, that’s a loaded name. I thought she was still doing mysterious Hetty things in places unknown,” Deeks responded.

“She is. Although I’ve still been searching for her.” He drained his bottle, and set it to the side, twisting the lid off a second. “Hetty sent a message about the two murders, who turned out to be more subjects from Drona Project.”

“Crap.”

“Yeah. It brought back a lot of memories and got me thinking.” He tipped his head back and twisted the bottle between his hands. “Is it weird that I want to find Hetty, but I also don’t want to find her?”

“I’m going to need another beer to comprehend that question,” Deeks replied, and Callen handed him a fresh bottle.

“I still think of her as the closest thing I had to a parent, and even though I know that she’s done some really messed up things, somehow, I can’t hate her for it. Why can’t I just let her go? Why do I feel this need to have her in my life knowing all of that?” Callen asked.

Deeks heard the ache and confusion in Callen’s voice. He was being uncharacteristically vulnerable, likely helped along by the beer.

“Maybe it’s the same reason why my mom stayed with my dad for so long,” he answered. Callen gave him a sharp look and Deeks tilted the neck of his beer bottle in his direction, clarifying. “Granted, it’s different because Hetty never hit on you – well, outside her crazy ninja sessions – but the concept’s the same. You stay because it’s all you know, because you’re afraid of the consequences if you don’t. Because that person convinces you that you need them. You stay, because despite all the pain and terrible things that person might have done, a part of you still loves them.”

Callen stared back at Deeks, disbelief, shock, and the sheen of tears in his eyes.

“Maybe you even think you can change them.”

“Yeah, no one’s changing Hetty at this point,” Callen said gruffly.

“Nope.” Deeks chuckled despite the heavy topic. “Hetty gave me this job, or more accurately created one that I would have no choice but to accept. By extension, I likely wouldn’t have met any of you. She’s done a lot for me and I’ve held a lot of affection for her over the years. I mean, she ended up officiating our wedding.”

“But?”

“But I can’t deny that in between all those times, there were equally as many times where she manipulated me, let me believe things that weren’t true, used my affection and trust, and hid essential information from all of us,” Deeks summed up, a heaviness settling in his shoulders. “It’s really hard to keep loving someone like that and not be destroyed in the process.”

“So you’re saying I should stop looking for Hetty?” Callen asked, but Deeks shook his head.

“I can’t tell you that, Callen. All I can say, is that if you bring Hetty back, we’ll all understand. And if you don’t, no one will blame you for that either.” Deeks smiled self-deprecatingly. “I supposed that’s not the most helpful advice.”

“No, it helps. Thanks.” Patting him on the shoulder, Callen clumsily got to his feet.

“Hey, woah, where do you think you’re going?” Deeks asked, tugging Callen backwards.

“Home?”

Deeks cast the three empty bottles next to where Callen had sat a glance. “Oh no, you’re staying for dinner.”

“I don’t want to intrude,” Callen protested.

“It’s not intruding. Rosa will be happy to see you, and friends don’t let sad, slightly drunk friends go home to sober up alone.”

“Thanks,” Callen repeated, letting Deeks direct him through the front door.

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A/N: Did I just compare Hetty’s tactics to an abusive spouse? Why yes I did.