Loss and love – Deeks’ Surf Log – 1/13/19

January 13, 2019

So 2019 isn’t being as awesome as I hoped and expected. It was a bad day. One of those days that haunts you for a good long while. Although the concept of “bad” apparently has some different levels or meanings. For example, none of us was tortured, unconscious, or taken hostage. Yet, the impact was about as brutal. This time it was all mental and emotional, which takes the same toll. Probably worse.

Yeh, I got pinned down in a lone gunfight with I-don’t-know-how-many dudes of ill-repute. Then, of course, I ran out of ammo. Enter sarcastic “awesome” here. It took me back to those days of solitary undercover ops, where there was no possibility of back-up, partner assist, or remote tech support. Just me and my wits to get me out of a jam. I no longer miss that life. At all. (Well, maybe just a tiny part of playing a fun character to trick people; it was a like a game.) Somehow I had faith Callen & Sam would show up (eventually). Phew. My brothers!

So I’ve put this off long enough. Seeing Kensi so distraught… Knowing what she was tasked with today…. I’ve always said she’s stronger than all of us, which she proved again today. If only I could have traded places with her or taken her pain. Yet I couldn’t, so I had to do the only thing I could, to try to help bring resolution to the one aspect of the day that was actionable. And to provide as much physical and emotional support I could while still handling a futile case. Kensi tearfully told me David called her an angel, something I’ve known for years.

So after convincing Kens to try to eat a little something after this overwhelming day, I’ve got her settled into a much-needed bubble bath. Her comfy sweats, one of my worn-out LAPD sweatshirts, and some fuzzy slippers await her emergence. (Without divulging any details, I also asked her girlfriends to send her some supportive texts. I don’t understand all the emojis they’ve sent so far, but if it brings her some comfort I won’t question them.)

The single positive outcome of today is… deep breath… all that anxiety I was having over my vows is gone. How trivial that was in comparison to our day. Today, like so many others, reminded me once again the danger we unknowingly face on a regular basis. Like David, I don’t want my words to focus on our individual losses or fear from danger, but rather the love we have together. One never knows how many days we have left and remembering Kensi’s words of wanting to be “bold”, that’s the inspiration for the authentic words I’ll dedicate to her, to our life together. My partner at work, in life, in everything. So here’s to what I’m hoping will be heartfelt, sincere sentiment that honestly expresses the overwhelming love I have for my soon-to-be bride, my angel, Kensi.