December 6, 2020
I can’t protect Kensi, my wife.
It’s as basic as that, and the weight of this single issue is crushing.
Fate continues to be a cruel mistress (even though I’m now married)! The past days have devolved in a way I can’t truly grasp. First, it was LAPD putting things in what I thought was some type of holding pattern. Next was the bar (failing). Then a house. Then baby talk. Then Kensi’s life being in true jeopardy. Then my entire career – a lawyer, a cop, a federal agent – all gone in a moment.
Any one of these things could be overwhelming, but to endure them simultaneously?! Seriously? Each is important, but everything fades to the background compared to keeping Kensi safe. But how can I do that? No comms, no team (no Hetty!), no (approved) weapons, no backing of an office, support, or resources. This has to be what Kensi felt like when she was tracking her father’s killer. Yet there’s one huge difference: She was the predator; now she’s the prey. Memories of that are still so clear. I was panicked then – & that was when she was in pursuit and wasn’t even my wife yet!
This is a whole other level. I would – & will – do ANYTHING to keep her safe. But what options do I have? It’s like when she put herself in that silo. None of us knew if she’d come back out. Yet, with that it, it was her choice. I fear the same will happen again, that she will put herself in jeopardy to capture this deranged madman. I’d swap her life for mine, but I’m not the target of this monster’s rage. Hell, I’d immediately volunteer to endure Siderov’s torture (or worse) again if that would protect her.
I should have known a “white picket fence” life was never in the cards for me. Kensi wants it; that much is clear. Having a house, a child. And I want to give her all of it and more. But how? As much as Sam threatened me just about the comms, by now we know that when this team has their backs to the wall, we come out swinging – sometimes without authorization. It won’t be the first or likely the last time, and frankly what do I have to lose? That’s no time to wallow in my own personal despair; I’m off to call the guys. With or without NCIS, we need a plan….