Living In a Dark Place: Kensi’s Journal 3/5/23

I really misjudged the chief petty officer today.  Messing up like that makes me wonder if it’s time to start seriously thinking about hanging up my badge.  Or at least becoming more aware of when my emotions are running so high that they might interfere with my judgement.  Because even if that poor petty officer didn’t commit suicide, two others on that ship recently did, and that’s something to be upset about.  While I can’t say I’ve actively thought about ending my own life, I still remember the dark place I was in when I didn’t think I’d regain enough mobility to return to the life I loved.  When I thought I’d be a burden to Deeks for the rest of our lives (because I knew he’d never leave me then, even if he wanted to).  I never went so far as to make a plan, but I clearly recall wishing at times that I’d left Syria in a body bag because it had to be better than my “life” as it was then.  How wrong I was.  Not only because I made a full recovery, but because of course I could have still had a full and meaningful life even if the rest of it was spent in a wheelchair.  I lost sight of the fact that nearly all problems are temporary, but death isn’t.  I just wish those two sailors, and the approximately 132 other people who commit suicide every day, had realized that too and found help in time.