When the Darkness Wins: Drabble 3/9/23

“This case certainly didn’t turn out how I expected,” Kensi said, plopping down onto the couch next to Deeks. He acknowledged her closeness with a flick of his eyes, but didn’t respond otherwise, deep in thought. “I was so ready to blame Adebayo for Wassner’s death and then it turned into a murder investigation. Either way, the outcome was tragic.”

Sighing heavily, she ran both hands through her hair, then pulled up a smile from somewhere.

“So, that handwriting analysis you pulled with the letters was pretty impressive. I bet you’ve been dying to tell me about it all day.”

“We compared the two letters, noticed there were discrepancies between the way some letters were written. That’s pretty much it,” he summed up woodenly.

Tucking her leg under herself, Kensi twisted to face him, and nudged his shoulder. “You know, I could use some of that patented Marty Deeks humor right about now,” she prompted, poking his shoulder.

Deeks exhaled noisily, which did nothing to dispel his heavy thoughts. “I honestly don’t think I have that in me tonight,” he admitted.

“Babe.” He heard Kensi’s concern in the single word, followed by her hand covering his forearm. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“I used to find some kind of satisfaction, or relief, in concluding cases like this. At least we were seeing justice served, but, uh, I don’t feel that anymore. I just feel dread and this darkness I can’t shake. I feel… hopeless,” he said.

Tonight, Rountree’s unexpected joke had provided a momentary distraction, but any humor was long gone by now.

“Deeks,” Kensi said, dismay in her voice. “How long has this been going on for?”

“A while. I don’t really know for sure.” He shook his head once. It was something that had crept up on him slowly. “At some point, it started getting more difficult to convince myself that there was a purpose. And I try, you know, I really try to be the guy that makes everyone laugh and forget, but it’s getting harder and harder to do.”

“You don’t need to be that guy for us, Deeks. I just need you to be OK.”

He dragged his hands through his hair and made a rough sound of exhaustion, slumping in the cushions.

“I will be. I just need some time to get through this slump,” he assured her.

“What can I do?” Kensi asked, desperation tinging her voice.

“Remind me why we do this. Give me hope.” He met Kensi’s eyes for the first time that night. “Cause I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing it otherwise.” His voice broke on the last word, and Kensi reached for him, gathering him in her arms.

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A/N: I thought Deeks looked particularly morose and didn’t lighten the mood with any of his usual humor. Which reminded me of his comment to Kensi earlier in the season about needing to joke in order to keep doing his job.