February 23, 2015
We lost Thapa today.
This entire day is just a blur. As much as my brain prefers to recall that glorious morning wake-up by my “softer lady” Kensi, my heart can only mourn the loss of a recent, but kindred spirit. It’s always horrible when one of us is in mortal danger, but the shift to the permanence of death and absence never gets easier. In fact, it only gets harder. It makes the thought of losing someone else, these people so integral to my existence (especially that one person who provides me necessary daily sunshine) so brutal to consider. Thapa’s lifelong mission was to voluntarily put himself in harm’s way. I know in a way we do that too, but how could he remain focused on that with a wife and kids back home? When do you draw the line and put a stop to the madness?
I swear every time I wake up with Kensi it feels like a dream. To finally have this openness about how we feel about each other is amazing. Yet I guess the pace in which we went “All In” has been too much. It was something I worried about when she returned from Afghanistan, but seriously, what man could keep his distance from the all-round awesomeness of my Kensalina? (And what’s up with K.K? Or is it Kay-Kay? I need to “investigate” that, cause everyone knows nicknames are MY thing!) The Gurkha was always right; I need to get “disciplined” on assessing what feels real vs what is real. Man, this ”’ship navigation” is tough.
Anyway, we did it. I think. I think we got through our first “fight”?. Honestly for two driven, action-oriented people like us, I’m not even sure if that qualified as a true point of conflict. Look at us – we used actual English words and not a single physical punishment was doled out. Talk about progress! After all these years I know I can’t push her. (Relating Bad Ass Blye to the sharpness of a Gurkha’s blade was never more true. And the way she took down that evil Gurkha in one fluid throw? Wow.)
In the end as fate would have it, I was the one needing some space. We both needed some time to ourselves. Kensi needed to find some balance between “us” and the other parts of her life. I, well, I obviously needed to deal with my grief. As if I didn’t already take solace in my partner’s incredible smile, now all I think when I see it is “home”. Thank you for that, Thapa.
R.I.P. Jemadar Thapa, 5th Gurkha Rifle Regiment, Frontier Force – fierce warrior, rare friend, and wise guiding light in the face of darkness.