January 27, 2019
When even Deeks’ cute little nose-whistling can’t lull me back to sleep, I know it’s time to get up. It’s weird, even though I eventually started sleeping much better (especially now that I’m back on the right side of the bed!) after my recovery, I don’t seem to need as much sleep anymore. Mandy likes to joke that means I’m ready for motherhood, which of course is all the Cupcake Girls will be focusing on after the wedding.
Deeks will not be looking to “knock me up” anytime soon, however. Our discussions since the nightmare that was our argument and the mission in Mexico have been good. We agree about kids: we want them and want to be out of the field when we have them. We just need to figure out the timing. Telling him this morning where my head currently is on the topic ofleaving NCIS is my part of the deal since Deeks is letting me decide when we walk away (what did I do to deserve having him in my life?). I’m so grateful he’s willing to stay in until then, because the only thing that makes me love my job more is doing it with the man I love.
I might only be taking “baby steps,” but Deeks sees I’m getting closer. Every near–miss makes me re-examine the wisdom of staying in a job that could kill one or both of us any day. And it doesn’t get much nearer than one second. Teasing Sam about it, in addition to being our way of thanking him, was also a way of acknowledging how thin the line between life and death really was for us today. So was Sam touching both Deeks’ and my shoulders after we stopped the attack on the ship? It’s not something we can think too much about in this business, otherwise I’d just want to curl up under the covers and never come out (which isn’t a bad thing if Deeks is there too 😊).
We also can’t ignore it completely or we’ll forget we’re not invincible. A few years ago I would have blown off the fact that Wasim Ghulam got the better of me for a moment. Deeks was being kind when he pointed out we’d been up for 48 hours straight. The fact is I’m in the best physical shape of my life, stronger now than I was before Syria. Yet depending on the strength and ability of my opponent, sometimes that’s just not enough. I was damned lucky I knew we were about to stop short and could let inertia take care of Ghulam while I braced myself(hmmm, maybe yesterday was slightly more than a baby step toward getting out).