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The Pain of Optimism: Kensi’s Journal 5/2/21


I hate this. I hate this situation even more now than I did the last time I wrote those words in my journal.   I hate that Deeks is trying to be supportive and optimistic and all I can do is shoot him down.  But I’ve learned that I can’t get my hopes up only to have reality crush them again.  I was the one who was so positive that we’d conceive at first; that all we needed was to go through these treatments and we’d get pregnant.  I really thought it would have happened by now, and every time it doesn’t it hurts so, so much.  So no, I can’t bear the idea of having a nursery that we may never use, a room I’ll have to pass every day and be reminded, mocked even, that my body continues to fail me.  To fail us.  No matter how much Deeks wants to be optimistic.

Maybe it’s time to give up, at least with the attempts for me to conceive.  Adoption is something I wasn’t ready to consider before, but maybe we need to start exploring that option.  Is it horrible that I want a baby that is part of me and Deeks, though?  (I can so clearly see a mini-Deeks following after his daddy everywhere he goes.)  I wonder how difficult (not to mention expensive) it is to use a surrogate?

Even writing those words, knowing they might be the only way to have a family, makes me feel so …inadequate.  That’s probably why Deeks is trying to be so positive now, come to think of it.  I’m sure he sees me wallowing in self-pity and frustration and just wants to make me feel better.  Hell, I tried to do the same when he was so down about LAPD, and then FLETC.  

OK, time to stop writing about it and start talking to my husband about it.  Even if I don’t want Deeks’ optimism right now, I know I need his perspective…and his arms around me again.

About Psyched (90 Articles)
Turns out I've been writing fan fiction since before it was a "thing" on the internet (okay, even before there was an internet). I spent many a boring junior high history class coming up with more exciting stories for my favorite soap opera characters. I continue to enjoy the creative outlet it provides in my still-boring but now adult life.

10 Comments on The Pain of Optimism: Kensi’s Journal 5/2/21

  1. Yes Kensi will save deeks the end of season finale of season 12 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kensi just waiting too long to start this process. Deeks has been talking about this for years. This is much like a soap opera so anything can happen. Nice job Psyched. wikiDeeks forever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, ewaguy, I do wonder if they waited too long (and Kensi does too, no doubt). But not being a doctor, much less a fertility expert, I have no idea if Kensi would have had these same issues 5 or 10 years ago. Thanks for your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Deeks and Kensi will figure it out, whatever that may be. They are really good at talking things out between the two of them.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. sassyzazzi // May 5, 2021 at 11:37 AM // Reply

    Love this, I love Kensi dealing with her emotions, issues , and angst. Great job!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes, good to see Kensi dealing with her emotions. Once again Kensi is in the driving seat and Deeks is hanging on for dear life. A few episodes ago Deeks was stressed because Kensi insisted on buying a house and going ahead with fertility treatment, despite the fact that Deeks couldn’t see a way of paying for any of it. I think Deeks accepted he might never be a father a long time ago, before Kensi decided she wanted a child. If Deeks had a choice, I don’t think he would put Kensi through this, he just can’t win.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. They flip-flopped about this (whether or not they wanted kids) so much earlier, but I’m not sure I’ve seen Deeks accept the idea of not being a father anytime recently. That said, I do agree that he would prefer Kensi not go through this. Thanks for your comments, Patricia!


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